It was Jools Holland who remarked recently that the music industry is dying but what would he know?
Tuneless Dublin twins, John and Edward Grimes, aka Jedward, and quiffs, were booted off the X-Factor last weekend but according to the Red Tops they're destined to be future stars.
Doing what exactly? They can't sing and they have no discernible talent.
Not that that would bother the deformed pygmy Louis Walsh, who'll probably end up being their manager. Walsh has made millions out of "stars" who can't sing.
Speaking after Jedward were given the bullet, Walsh droned:
Everybody is looking for Jedward. . . for endorsements, for hair, modelling, TV, radio, magazines. There's even talk of Jedward dolls.
You'll notice that he didn't mention anything to do with the Grimy twins actually singing. Thank God for that at least. Incidentally, what type of dolls is Walsh talking about? Not the ones for sale in An Summers we hope…..
Meantime, Walsh prefers if his creations don't have a note in their heads – all the easier to manipulate their careers. So how do he and his ilk create these horrific wannabees that have infested the charts?
Simple really. They hire professional session musicians, raid the Motown back catalogue, call in favours in the media, and hey presto, you're Top of the Pops.
In the case of girl bands, addal that and get them to imply they're lesbians – carpet munching, or implied carpet munching, can take you a long way in the music business.
Walsh has been doing this for years now and getting away with it, mainly because the public, the vast majority of the public, have uneducated musical tastes. Basically, the public doesn't give a rats ass about music.
To paraphrase The Beautiful South, just give them a chorus and that bit at the end where they wail on and on about the loss of a friend.
Acquiring taste is a long drawn out process of evolution. That's why some of us started out with the Bay City Rollers and ended up listening to The Fall. However, for Mary and Joe Public, music is just the backdrop to a night out.
Roxy Music could be on the stage down in your local Duck 'N' Drake and Siobhán, and it's always a fucking Siobhán, would be up asking
Brian Ferry does he know anything by the bastard Chris de Burgh or the Nolan Sisters; for Maria; she's getting married in April, like.
Michael Jackson, the People's Paedophile, could be moonwalking in your local and a gaggle of half-crazed bats would be joining in.
"Bobby Jane your not my mum."
So how do you create a boy band? Well, you hold auditions and pick the five best looking kids that show up. That's it really.
Put it another way, McGowan, with a mouth like a robbed orchard, would be run out the door if he showed up for a Walsh audition.
"I could have been someone, " Shane would be appealing as he struggled with the beefy security guards.
"Sooooooo could anyone," the Boy band would retort, in high pitched girly voices.
So why does Jools Holland believe the music industry is on its knees? I reckon it's because the major labels, under pressure to keep sales up, have stopped investing in up and coming bands and are going for the quick buck instead. They see the popularity of shows like the X Factor – and the bastards within – and reckon that's where the money is.
However, how long can you keep investing in cover versions while ignoring the young bands that are trying to create original music?
Sooner or later investing a business on the musical equivalent of necrophilia will catch up on you.
The well will have run dry because the acts the likes of Walsh are foisting on us are not musicians and are incapable of writing an original song to save their lives.
Holland is right. The music industry is dying and I believe it's because the major labels are investing in Karaoke artists for the quick buck. It's all about the money folks.
But then again didn't Johnny Rotten once snarl that the only notes that really count are the ones that come in wads.
“I could have been someone, ” Shane would be appealing as he struggled with the beefy security guards.
“Sooooooo could anyone,” the Boy band would retort, in high pitched girly voices.
For me, the above is probably one of the finest pieces I have read in a long while.
When bands like "Laundry Shop" aka " The Angels of Mons" can't make it, what chance has anyone with talent got?
I unfortunately had to sit through an adjudication on that aforementioned show, where Minogue the younger petulantly referred to the show as a singing competition.
I don't believe we're even discussing this shite!
Bock, keep doing what you do, and hopefully the great Jools will keep doing likewise.
All is not lost , the music hasn't died, the industry is just sick.
The music industry is just that – an industry – It's not about Art it's about money. Always was always will be.
It's an industry that's in turmoil at the moment cos they haven't quite got there heads around how to make loads of money out of downloading, hence the lack of investment in up and coming bands.
Let's not forget the Beatles were the original boy band – couldn't sing, couldn't dance, snazzy mop tops and loads of screaming girls. Nothing has changed except the faces…..
I'd accept that downloading is a factor. The labels are fighing that at present. I notice that Fergal Sharkey (mackeral features) is leading the fight – stopping teenage (and older) clicks right through the night.
The Beatles a boy band. Unique. They were when Pete Best was holding time. They then ended up with Ringo. John Hiseman said Ringo set drumming back at least 20 years. Some say that McCartney did most of the serious drumming in the studio?
"They can’t sing and they have no discernible talent."
That seems to be the trend with the majority of pop music.A fancy video,some girls dancing half naked and theres your No 1
"You can't sing, you can't play, and you look awful. You'll go a long way!"
That was the Kit Kat ad approx twenty five years ago. Fuckit, it's pop music. Always has been shite, always will be. Go on to wikipedia and check through their lists of number one singles from different decades. You'll be surprised at how many songs you had mercifully forgotten, and at how many you can't remember at all…
Fine post Seconds. you're on a roll these days.
"Walsh has made millions out of "stars" who cant sing"
Now THAT, i would call, a Fooking talent.
I'm not a fan or anything, but you have to, in some small way even, admire someone who can make lots of money out of very little. Ok Ok, Maybe "admire" is a bit strong, But, the market is still there to exploit, and Why Not a jumped up little Irish bummer boy exploiting it. Fair play to ya louis, ya fecken toerag.
A bit of Grudging respect maybe, instead of the mainstream opposite.
The music industry's been fucked since the Big wee beige jobbies were allowed to come in and buy out the smaller independants. Greed on both sides. C'mon the New Independants, where are ya now when we need ya.
Indie/britpop to make a comeback would'nt be a bad thing, but leave out the death throes of it, which was in the shape of part deux of Oasis. Saved us from the 80's and early 90's did'nt it.
Shit I thought I was the only person who liked The Fall.
Seen as your the lead singer I should think so Mark…..
what the hell is Mr Fergal Sharkey doing? Man what a change from being a so called rebel* punk band singer to industry lap dog. Is he thinking people will listen to him? jeez
*definition of rebel open to question:p