That time of year thou may'st in me behold
When yellow leaves, or none, or few, do hang
Upon those boughs which shake against the cold,
Bare ruined choirs, where late the sweet birds sang.
Indeed.
William Shakespeare has been reading my mail and he's right.
Jesus, I wish I was more dynamic. I wish I had the dynamism to become a world-famous surgeon, or a fearless advocate for the powerless and oppressed, or an astronaut, or a great soldier smiting the forces of evil, or the Secretary-General of the United Nations.
For fucksake, I'd settle for being a moderately committed electrician or plumber.
I wouldn't be a good salesman. I'd be a bad sales rep. Jesus, I'd be a terrible beggar. You see, I'm not dynamic. I wouldn't be top dog in the begging game, or the selling game, or even the Ludo game.
Why?
I don't know.
Wouldn't it be great to wake up at about six o'clock on Saturday morning and fling back the curtains? Jesus, this is briliiant! I woke up fucking early!! That means I have an extra four hours to run around doing things on Saturday morning instead of lying in bed. Great!!!
No. Sorry. That would not be me.
In the Bock world, Saturday morning starts to coalesce around half past ten and might – might, I emphasise – become fully formed somewhere in the region of noon if I can be bothered to wake up that early.
Christ, I wish I was dynamic.
If I was more dynamic, I'd invent things. I'd make huge strides in curing cancer, and emphysema, and eliminating the effects of earthquakes. I'd fix global warming. I'd start an honest bank. I'd govern a country without asking for bribes. I'd win the Heineken Cup on my own. I'd teach women to reverse park. But I'm not. I'm not fucking dynamic.
Now, let me just tell you something. My lack of dynamism has haunted me all my life. As long as I can remember, people who are incredibly dynamic have been making my life miserable and I fucking hate them for it. Why don't they fuck off and become as undynamic as I am?
They'd be far nicer people.
"I’d teach women to reverse park"
Would'ya now. I did my driving test when I was 17. In the middle of Dublin city. Over and back across the Liffey and up and down the quays and elsewhere. You weren't told the route in advance in those days.
I got back to the test centre in Parkgate St and reverse parked parallel to the kerb. The guy told me I'd passed. I said "Really??" and he said, "Yes, I wasn't 100% sure but your parking clinched it."
And I'll tell you something else. In a houseful of men my insurance was the cheapest. Because the PMPA at the time said women were the safest drivers. :P
All right then. That's one less woman who needs to be taught how to reverse park.
As for safer drivers, well it's hard to have an accident at 20 miles per hour, and you'll never see see the trail of destruction in your wake if you don't use the rear-view mirrors.
20 miles an hour, huh? Rear view mirrors …
I'll have you know I was a member of a rally club.
Like I said, one less woman to teach. There's always an exception.
What is your profession?
Just curious.
Are you?
Bock's a driving instructor and a professional mis- misogi- Mis-thing. And I'm an honorary man. And everyone here is very dynamic, despite what Bock says.
HTH. I'm off to me leaba.
Such a pity you miss early mornings, best time of the day, not so much in this rainey country of ours, in hot coutries i rise with the sun its always awesome.
Good on you Nora with the driving, I will also have you know, not only can i reverse around corners and park expertly, i am adept at reversing and parking trailers to within an inch of their life !
Back in the day i changed tyres, spark plugs, cleaned carburettors, fan belts, general maintanence and servicing, alas no longer, i drove some bangers in my time.
A few weeks ago in town, on returning to my vehicle, surprise surprise a woman had actually parked her car about 6 inches under mine, that was fun.
I must find more dynamism too, its a climb have to start somewhere.
Nora – tell us what happened to PMPA.
Bock – you may not be a dynamo, but you do your own share of enlightenment. I'd say you are more of an alternator really, far more output than a dynamo but needing rectification here and there!
Nuts
Bock, there may still be hope for you.
I don't know how much tongue in cheek this post is, but since I appreciate your blog, here are some thoughts and suggestions…
Most of those things you wish you could be or do, you could still be or do them even if you get up late. Dynamism doesn't necessarily depend on early rising, although it helps. Just have them schedule the surgery or the space flight for after noon. And if it's your bank, you can have somebody else open up for those bothersome account holders who want to take their money out early.
More than that, it's not only a question of when you get UP, but when you go to SLEEP, and how MUCH you sleep. If you sleep 8 hours (a lot can be dynamically done in the other 16), all you have to do is go to sleep at 10pm, and you're up with the early birds at 6! Unless you're doing something really important late at night…
Speaking of the birds – notice that Shakespeare said that "That time of year…where late the sweet birds sang" – from his description, it's obviously Autumn. But that must mean that during other times of the year it's different – the sun rises earlier, and so do the birds (and so can you).
And of all days that you wish you could get up earlier, why Saturday? Take a break – sleep in – you (can) get up early all week! "Six days shall thou work…"
And finally, maybe you're doing more to save the world with this blog than if you did any of those other things. Maybe what you write, besides having obvious entertainment and thought-provoking value, inspires others to go out and do some of those other things you think are important. Kind of like the Muslim clerics that tell other to blow themselves up for salvation (OK – not exactly like that). Why don't you do a survey, asking you readers who has been inspired like that?
Try it at least once to wake up before sunrise and watch the day light up. You'll be a different person (at least on that day).
And stop talking to Jesus so much – can make a person want to sleep in even more..
"Nora – tell us what happened to PMPA"
All its top execs were men?
Who took all the photo's in the market then?
PMPA turned into a personal fiefdom that had to be rescued by the Government!
Remind anyone of a recent hirsute mail run building society?
That's a good focus to have BOCK, after all, every politician in Ireland has great dynamism in them so that must be why we have no problems in this country.
Or maybe it's something else they have in them!
Nora, just received this pic of the carnage you left in your wake following your
driving test, yesterday.
http://www.lifeisajoke.com/Men_Women/carpark.jpg
@abdul
I think you'll see they are all male cars if you look closely enough.
@Benny
What's a mail run building society? Bricks by post?
@Abdul
Harr! I like it. "Rallying in Limerick".
@nora
I must have been thinking of the postman. "Male" surely.
dynamic, worried…read Bock the Robber…..hmmmmm…I wouldent be to worried if I was you.