It's a pity I never learnt Gaelic properly. I have enough to get by at a funeral but Gaelic revival wasn't popular until I was well into secondary school so I just didn't do it. It's a shame, but since then island children are starting to speak it more and a few of my friends work in Gaelic media so things are looking up for it. God knows how much money they've spent on it, but it's a nice language. It's a good language for talking about death and misery anyway.

No more Gaelic to be spoken here. You see? It's those damnable English again.

We'll just have to keep beating the shit out of them at the rugby.

Wherefore the overhang?

I only know pidgin Scottish Gaelic – Englic – and what my granny told me when i was wee. We never got it at school and my mother only had English so we never talked it at home. I had to look up what you said to me and even then I forgot Irish is different from Scottish Gaelic.

Don't be doing that to me again! I don't know what you're on about! I have a blinding, stumbling hangover today and trying to translate Irish is making me bilious on account of the green.

O Fortuna! Oh for a tuna sarnie!

Mikell: I didn't know that about the Miniature for the Fence, but I believe you.

Mother of God: Maybe you'd have a word with your son and see what he can arrange.

I can remember being at a removal in Nenagh a couple of years back and my mate's kids were playing a game of hide and seek in the parlour, and one of them was peeping up over her granddad's coffin. It almost looked she was asking him if he knew where her sister was hiding. I prefer this type of funeral . Have you ever encountered Willie O'D, Minister for Photograph opportunities, doing the rounds where he asks someone at the back of the church the dead person's name, before he goes to sympathise with the family . Break on through to the other side Bock.

Mikell

Maroon: You're a dirty bastard. I like it.

Cap'n: You can't beat a good funeral. We had a great two days when we planted Wirey.

MJ: Glad to be of help. Do you think I should go into it professionally?

Mr Sneeze: Or, as Joyce called them, fun-for-alls.