Almost nationwide?

At Wrinkly Joe's suggestion, I checked out Newstalk, which it seems is about to go semi-nationwide. No harm either: at least I won't have to listen to that fool Tubridy any more, or the cretin Mooney or that fat halfwit, Gerry Ryan.

In the interest of research, I visited their web site, and had a glance at the Moncrieff page, since Wrinkly Joe recommended him especially.

This is what it says there:

Features

• What's coming up: Everyday at 4.20 our reporter, Henry McKean gives advice and recommendations on what's good to do eat and see in Dublin that night.

Right. What's good to do, eat and see in Dublin. That will really grab the audiences in Limerick and Letterkenny. Maybe I could put them in touch with the gobshite who thinks we'll all go to Farmleigh to buy carrots. (By the way, the word everyday, I thought meant common or banal but what the hell would I know anyhow?)

• Our language: Prof of Hiberno English in UCD, Terry Dolan takes every day words in the English language and traces their origins and meanings every Monday at 2.40.

Great. I love it. Terry takes every day words. I didn't make this up: that's what it says on their site. Oh for fuck's sake. Brilliant! When he's finished dealing with every day words, Terry can tell us what everyday means in Hiberno-English. Terry will soon be out of a job, though, once the Roadwatch brigade have eradicated Hiberno-English completely, which won't be long now, so he'd better get a move on. At the same time, though, there's worse than Roadwatch. I actually run to the radio to turn it off before that girl who does the business news can get to say anything. Emma something or other: surely the most false accent I've ever heard, it actually hurts me to listen.

• Soap Preview: Moncrieff's Ciara Riordan gives listeners the lowdown every Monday at 3.10 on what will be happening on the soaps during the week.

Fantastic. This sounds like genuine competition to Tubridy.

• Moral Philosopher: Dr. Graham Finlay explores through the moral dilemmas of our listeners sent in throughout the week and during the show every Tuesday at 3.30

Dear Frankie . . .

• Children's Court: Court Reporter, Tom Tuite, brings us through the week's goings on at the Children's Court in Smithfield on Wednesdays at 3.20.

Smithfield? Dublin knackers, when we have plenty of our own???

• Musicology: Every Thursday at 3.40 three female non-music buffs come into the studio to review some of the latest album releases.

Let's take a moment to read that again. Three female non-music buffs. What does this mean? Are their two kinds of buff, music and non-music? Fine. What's a buff?

• Kidstalk: Kids say the funniest things. And every week, our reporter, Henry McKean visits the schools of Dublin to find out what goes on in their heads! Thursday at 4.10

I'm getting worried about all this stalking business. I mean, I wasn't too happy about a station called New Stalk, but I said hey! it's a Dublin thing! Give it a chance. But Kid Stalk?? Is this something about the Christian Brothers?

IN the morning, we have Get Drunk With Dunphy, a no-holds-barred knock 'em down and drag 'em out current affairs analysis and debate programme in which Eamon's guests get totally pissed while discussing current events as they relate to the Saipan controversy. Eamon's panel are usually much drunker than Eamon, and always include Roy Keane, Bono, The Edge and of course Gilesy.

In the evening we have Hook Talks Shite, a no-holds-barred knock 'em down and drag 'em out current affairs analysis and debate programme in which George's's guests get totally pissed while discussing current events as they relate to Willie John McBride. Every evening, George makes a different incorrect prediction that Munster will lose, and this is followed by Brent Pope's ever-popular tasty round-the-world hat-recipes.

One interesting thing about this soon-to-be-almost-nationwide radio station is the way its presenters are described. For example, that egregious little weasel Damien Kiberd is given thus-wise: Damien Kiberd is a northside Dubliner. For five generations his family has been composed of only Dubliners and he loves the city. And Declan Carty, we're told is a born and bred Dubliner.

Great. This new almost-nationwide station is starting to look a lot like RTE.