Horse sense

I love Lidl. Their special offers are just great, and they manage to keep us in a constant state of joyous expectation, but it would be hard to beat next Monday's solar-powered garden gnome.

Isn't that classy? I think it's even better than the telescopic yard-brush they had last year. I'm going to buy about 252 of them and put them all around my front garden where the neighbours can see them. Won't that be great? 252 pulsating coloured gnomes all blinking away in the middle of the night. I think that will give our area the lift it so badly needs, and I'm certain the neighbours will love it.

I'm hoping that Lidl will soon have illuminated wagon-wheels I can fix all along the front wall of the house. I'll also be the first in the area with musical horses' heads on the gate-pillars, just as soon as Lidl put up that special offer.

I had an idea to help the property developer a little bit up the road from me. He's just "released" Phase One of his exclusive development, all of which, I think, will be bought by the children of The Rich. So, I was thinking, if The Rich were going to have a look around the nearby areas to see what kind of place they were buying into, wouldn't it be a great idea to have a sulky in the drive of my house, with the shafts pointing skywards? And a little Conamara pony tethered to one of the trees on the grass verge.

Every Saturday and Sunday, I could get on my sleeveless t-shirt and my gold chains and drive my sulky down to the exclusive development and shout encouragement at the purchasers. "D'ya want a nice three-piece for the new house, Boss?" "Great Arse, Missus!" That kind of thing. If they tried to stop me, I'd say it was part of my culture and I'd set the Equality Authority on them if they didn't fuck off.